Do first messages matter? Absolutely. They’re your digital handshake, your icebreaker, your one shot at standing out in an inbox full of silent swipes and half-hearted greetings. The right first message doesn’t try too hard. It opens a door with confidence, clarity, and just enough charm.
Here’s how to craft that message without sounding like everyone else.
What You Should Never Start With
Before reaching for the send button, filter out these clichés:
- “Hey” or “Hi there” — bland and forgettable
- “You’re cute” — generic and overused
- “Wanna chat?” — vague and non-committal
- “Tell me about yourself” — lazy and makes them do the work
These lines rarely spark interest. They offer no context and put pressure on the other person to carry the conversation. Instead, aim for specific, personal, and approachable.
Step-by-Step Breakdown of a Great First Message
1. Start With Their Profile
People list hobbies, favorites, and quirks for a reason. Mention something they wrote.
Examples:
- “I saw you’re into scuba diving. Ever tried wreck diving?”
- “Your playlist includes Radiohead. Do you have a favorite album?”
It shows effort. It starts from a place of shared interest. It builds on their words, not yours alone.
2. Offer a Thought, Not an Interview
No one wants to fill out a questionnaire. Frame your question with a comment.
Instead of:
- “What’s your favorite movie?”
Try:
- “You mentioned you love horror movies. I just rewatched Hereditary—still chilling. What’s one that really stuck with you?”
It keeps the tone casual and gives them a response route without turning it into a job interview.
3. Use Humor (If You Can)
Humor builds warmth. Even light wit works. But avoid trying too hard. If their bio says “sushi is life,” write:
- “Serious question—if you had to give up sushi or naps for a year, which one would survive?”
This kind of message adds personality without risking offense. It gets a smile. It earns a reply.
Dos and Don’ts in Message Structure
Dos:
- Keep it under five sentences
- Use correct spelling and punctuation
- Add one specific reference to their profile
- End with an open-ended comment or question
Don’ts:
- Copy-paste the same message to multiple people
- Brag or list your achievements
- Assume tone (sarcasm is tricky to read)
- Mention appearance in your opener
Templates That Actually Work
Use these formats as scaffolding. Add your voice, and tailor to the individual.
Template 1: Interest-Based Opener
“Your dog looks like he’s planning world domination. I have a cat with similar goals. What’s his name?”
Template 2: Humor with a Hook
“So I saw ‘avid climber’ and had to ask—do you climb indoors for fun or outdoors to survive mountain lion attacks?”
Template 3: Compliment Without Cliché
“That bookshelf behind you is elite. Did you actually read Infinite Jest or just want people to think you did?”
Template 4: Share + Ask
“You’ve been to Portugal? I went last year and couldn’t stop eating pastel de nata. Did you try them?”
Each message is simple, playful, and opens a thread worth pulling.
What Makes a Message Worth Responding To
People reply to messages that:
- Feel original
- Reflect their own interests
- Show effort but stay casual
- Make them laugh or think
- Don’t ask too much at once
Your job is to spark momentum. You’re not writing a novella. You’re lighting a match.
Common Mistakes That Kill Replies
Avoid these traps:
Trying too hard:
Using puns, excessive emojis, or “clever” lines that feel forced.
Being too generic:
Messages that could be sent to anyone don’t land.
Oversharing:
Telling your life story in one message overwhelms.
Too serious too soon:
Opening with values, life plans, or emotional topics makes the vibe feel heavy.
Real Messages That Got Replies
Here are a few actual examples that sparked great conversations:
- “You mentioned loving breakfast food. Controversial opinion: pancakes are better than waffles. Agree or disagree?”
- “You’ve read 30 books this year? I’m jealous. Which one made you miss your stop on the train?”
- “I saw your photo in Iceland. I went there solo in 2023 and almost got stuck during a snowstorm. What time of year did you go?”
These messages worked because they sound like a real person. They’re specific, light, and offer space to reply.
Final Notes
Your first message should make them want to talk—not just respond. Show you paid attention. Give them something fun to react to. Ask something they’d enjoy answering.
That’s all it takes. One thoughtful message. One small risk. One real connection.